3 steps to decide if you should overlook or address an offense
A person’s insight gives him patience, and his virtue is to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11)
We’re in a series exploring seven biblical principles for resolving conflict at work. Here’s the third…
Principle #3: Resolve to Overlook or Address the offense that has caused a lack of peace between you and someone else.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture commends overlooking certain offenses, but it’s there in black and white (see Proverbs 19:11). And I think we see evidence of this in the life of Christ.
Take Jesus’s exchange with the “rich young ruler.” After Jesus pointed to God’s commands such as the ones to “not murder,” and “not commit adultery,” the young man said, “All these things I have kept from my youth” (see Matthew 19:16-22). To which Jesus must have thought, “Really?”
While this man may not have technically murdered or cheated on his wife, Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount made clear that no human (save Christ himself) is capable of keeping those commandments perfectly. Jesus undoubtedly saw pride and spiritual blindness in this young man’s heart. But he chose “to overlook [the] offense” in this particular interaction.
So yes, sometimes we’d be wise to overlook an offense. But other times, we’d be wise to address an offense that is leading to a lack of peace (see Proverbs 27:5). How can we discern when to overlook and when to address an offense that is causing conflict? Here are three steps.
#1: Write down the offense as clearly as you can. Because as Charles Kettering once said, “A problem well stated is a problem half solved.” Go back to the note I encouraged you to start last week and complete this sentence: “I feel a lack of peace with [Name] because…” And be as detailed as you can about why you feel a lack of peace towards this person.
#2: Pray for wisdom on whether to address or overlook the offense. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
#3: Ask yourself these diagnostic questions.
- Does the offense dishonor God?
- Has the offense damaged my relationship with the person?
- Has this person’s actions hurt themselves or others?
- Was the offending action done intentionally?
- Is the offending action a recurring issue?
- If I overlook the offense, will I continue to dwell on it?
If the answer to all of these questions is “no,” then it’s probably wise to overlook the issue which, according to Ken Sande, “involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.”
If you can do that, praise God! If not, we’ve got some more work to do together next week.
