How to get constructive and sanctifying feedback from others
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:5-6)
According to the Harvard Business Review, “By roughly a three to one margin, [employees] believe [that corrective feedback] does even more to improve their performance than positive feedback.” In other words, most people accept the wisdom of today’s proverb that an “open rebuke” is “better” than “hidden love.”
There’s just one problem. While the vast majority of us prefer constructive criticism to pats on the back, “only 5 percent believe managers provide such feedback.”
So, what can you and I do to encourage others to correct us in love? Here are four ideas.
#1: Offer the gift of open but loving rebuke to others. This can be tough for Christians who feel the call to be kind. But you and I aren’t called just to be nice. We’re called to love as Christ loved us (see John 13:34), and he often rebuked those he loved (see Matthew 16:23 and Luke 9:37-56).
“You don’t get crucified for being a people pleaser,” says pastor John Mark Comer. Jesus was a people lover, not a people pleaser, who knew that true love says hard things graciously. We must do the same. And when we do, we will make it easier for others to correct us in love.
#2: Give at least one boss, client, co-worker, or friend explicit permission to rebuke you when necessary. Here’s a sample message you can copy and send right now:
I’ve been reflecting on Proverbs 27:5-6 and I feel convicted to invite more open and honest feedback into my life. If you ever see something in me that you’d recommend I change to better serve others or better reflect my values, PLEASE don’t hesitate to tell me!
#3: Choose a question you will begin asking to draw constructive feedback out of friends and colleagues. Here are three ideas:
- Where do you think I am least like Jesus?
- What’s something you’ve wanted to tell me but haven’t for fear that you’d offend me?
- What can I start or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me?
#4: Embrace the awkwardness. As the author of Radical Candor points out, if you ask one of the questions above, “No matter how good your question is, the person you ask won’t want to answer it. The only way out of this uncomfortable moment is through it.” So ask one of the questions above and then say nothing. Mentally count to five and refuse to break the awkward silence.
Seeking out “open rebuke” is not easy. But remember, “wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). Embrace the discomfort for your sanctification, God’s glory, and the good of others!
