How to produce a “Golden Result” in your conflicts with others
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)
Out of nowhere, my colleague blindsided me with a super offensive comment—the kind of remark that could have easily destroyed our relationship.
I was furious and wanted nothing more than to retaliate. But by God’s grace, I took some time to see “the plank” in my own eye and realized that I had contributed greatly to the conflict.
I went to my friend and apologized for my part in the disagreement. And before I could even address how he had offended me, my friend offered up a sincere apology of his own. Today, our personal and professional relationship is stronger than ever.
This is an example of what Ken Sande calls the “Golden Result,” which is a corollary to the “Golden Rule.” As the expert peacemaker explains in his book, “If we blame others for a problem, they will usually blame in return. But if we say, ‘I was wrong,’ it is amazing how often the response will be, ‘It was my fault too.’”
How does God often bring about the Golden Result in conflict? By his people following this biblical principle…
Principle #4: Pluck the Plank from your own eye before you address the offense of another.
Commenting on Jesus’s words about “planks” and “specks” in Matthew 7:3-5, pastor Tony Merida says this: “Our assessment of the other person [in a conflict] is wrong…because something is blurring or blocking our vision. And it’s not a speck—it’s a 2 x 4! Jesus is saying our vision…in the midst of conflict is totally compromised when we fail to assess ourselves first.”
So, how practically do we go about plucking the plank from our own eye? Here are three ideas.
First, accept Jesus’s premise that you are the primary contributor to the problem. Again, here’s Merida: “While we most often think the other person has the log and we have the speck (‘Sure, I can own up to about 10 percent of this conflict, but they are most certainly creating 90 percent of it!’), Jesus flips this assumption around!”
Second, ask God for supernatural humility to see how you’ve contributed to the conflict.
Finally, journal about how you may have contributed to the conflict in the note I’ve been encouraging you to build throughout this series. Need some help? Journal through these questions:
- What underlying desire do I have that this person is allegedly blocking? Is that desire God-honoring?
- What habitual sins, fears, insecurities, or past wounds might be fueling my reaction to this conflict?
- If a wise, Christ-like mentor observed this conflict, what planks might they see in my own eye?
- In what ways can I demonstrate Christ’s work in me by owning my part in this conflict?
I’m praying those practices put you on a path to pursuing peace with those you work with today!
